the hardest thing i've ever done...

today i had the fun of going to the job centre to explain why i don't want the CSA to contact my ex.

were they happy with "he's a cruel vicious spiteful bastard"?

nope, i had to go through what he did to me, and what he did to my daughter.

how much fun is that? telling a total stranger of the worst experiences of your life....

but then again, i guess its easier than telling someone you love.

ho-hum, well hopefully that'll be the end of it.

but we'll see...

friends... ?

i know i'm not all that popular, why? i don't really know, i'm not meaning to be conceited, but i think i' a nice person, i'm considerate about other people, i'm generous, helpful, polite, a good listener, but still i really have no friends,

what is it that is so unlikeable about me? really, i would like to know

take this sponsorship deal for example,

except family, and very close friends, we've had 4 people sponsor us,

1 is from someone we don't know (if we do know you then i apologise, let us know who you are!) one is from someone on a forum i use for kidney patients, and 2 have been from people we know.

now i know the cash is not going to directly aid me, but it is going to aid people like me, possibly my kids, possibly YOUR kids, yet no one cares, no one re posts anything i put up, i doubt hardly anyone even reads what i post.

why is everyone so damn apathetic?

we've had an article and a letter printed in the local paper, we've talked to you, messaged you, made a video, sent pictures, yet nothing.

i mean, even if you can't afford to sponsor us, or plain just not want to, how hard would it be for you to say good luck? or even just to re post a stupid myspace bulletin?

it really goes to show, these people who say they are your friends, really are not.

pissed off with stupid f**king email providers!

i accidental click "reply to all" instead of just "reply" and I'm a spammer and get my account de-activated cuz someone marked it as spam.

wow how bloody great is that!

fuck.

UPDATE!

after complaining, they've re-activated my account!

yayness!

As noone seems to care about what we are doing, i thought i'd give you all a personal graphic image about why this cause is so important to Nev and I.


This is a healthy human kidney, it's about 7cm long



This is a polycystic kidney, this is 30cm ( about 4 cm bigger than mine are at present) and as you can see has many fluid filled cysts, let me tell you, if one of them bursts or twists, the pain is well... intense to say the least!

Please, show some support http://www.myspace.com/lilyandnevgoabseiling

time to get serious....

OK so I'm not well, so why will I not phone the doctors at Shrewsbury you ask...

I'll tell you...

If I go see them, they'll do tests, and if it's found that I need to start dialysis right way, it'll be with a neckline, and the thought of that panics me, not just "ooh I wouldn't like that" kind of feeling, it's full blown palpitations, sweats, tremors, I am terrified of the possibility of a neck line. that's it really...

I didn't really understand why I wouldn't seek help until last night, I know it's silly as it's highly unlikely that it would be a case of being that unwell,

.....but I just can't help being scared.

wow... worry & stress!!!!

Last night, Kira went out to play...

This was at about 4pm, nothing unusual there, she knows she should be back for 6, in time for dinner,

6 came,

6.30... still no sign,

6.45 came and went, still no Kira... now I'm starting to get worried, but it's not the first time she's been late.

7.30 I'm now feeling pretty panicky, so i go out to look, she said she was going to Brandon'sthat's just up the road from here, about 5 mins walk... Brandon and his friends are playing out, Kira is nowhere to be seen, they say they've not seen her so I go to the park and the skateboard ramps, round the school, still no sign, I'm really agitated by now... i get home and Nev goes out to look, he goes everywhere, down to the lake, all around brookside, and if you know brookside, you'll understand why I'm so worried!!!

8.45 I say enough is enough and call the police, and while I'm still talking to them at 9 guess who comes skipping down the path without a care in the world... yep, that'd be Kira. "oh I've been at Brandon's" she says... can "I have some dinner?" not a sorry I'm late, or sorry to have worried you, nothing...

This morning, as punishment for being 3 hours late, I got her to tidy up her bedroom, and she starts with the typical teenage thing (even though she's not a teenager yet) of "uurrgh I hate my life!" and stomps about

I said to her, "what exactly do you have to hate? I mean you have a room of your own, everything you need, (admittedly she does not have everything she wants, but I think that having everything you want is a bad thing!) a family that loves you, friends, what is it exactly that is SO bad in your life?"

She said, "I have to do things I don't want to!" I know its wrong, but I could not help but laugh!

I said to her, "well the bits of your life you hate are your fault anyway!, you don't like being punished, don't do things your not supposed to, you don't like tidying your room, don't mess it up! everyone at some point will have to do things they don't like, and it's a part of life you have to get used to"

With that she did the also typical thing of "you just don't understand" and ran off crying.

So now she and the other kids are out in the garden, like nothing has happened, she does not care about how scared I was, or about the fact I was calling the police, the only thing she cares about is "can I go out to play now?"

stuff i waste my time doing..... (it's not big, or clever!)

wow half of it gets cut off...

clicky on this to see the whole thing (it's not any better)

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well thats some for now... yes i know... they suck....

:D

hummm

well my first "real" blog, I've never really been the kind of person to keep a diary, but as I'm getting older, and i just can't seem to remember one day to the next anymore, i thought I'd give this a go!

i mean how hard can it be?

first I'll go thru all the crappy things in my life, then I'll continue with the better stuff...

so here we go

my mom has cancer, again for the second time in 5 years, it wasn't really a shock, i just kind of knew already when she told me, she'd had a heart attack at Christmas, which she didn't tell me about till afterwards, she didn't want to worry me! no, hurting my feelings was SO much better! but that's just me being a bitch, she was only trying to do whats right i guess..

my daughters teacher hates me, not just a little bit, i know my daughter is not the easiest child in the world, and I'm not going to make excuses for that, but the jumped up little shit keeps calling social services, i mean, Leila, (the daughter in question) is always hungry, medically she is fine, she's just hungry, she's not malnourished, she's not underweight, but the school caught her eating someone Else's lunch from their lunch box, i know it's wrong, she knows its wrong, but is that a reason to call the social? the next week, she does the same thing again, I'm not trying to shift the blame here, but if the school know she is likely to do it, why not watch her when she walks past the trolley with the lunch boxes on??!?

My eldest daughter Kira, she is a monster child, really she is, i love her to bits, but wow she is hard work.

my house is a dump, the pipes burst for no reason, the dog pisses everywhere, I'm constantly arguing with my husband, oh yeah... and i have polycystic kidney disease, and 19% kidney function. i get UTI's every other week and i'm in constant pain

well thats the crap out of the way,

the good bits...

haha... this is harder than moaning...

erm...

i love my kids and husband so so much :D

erm...

my kidney function could be worse... haha

erm... yes...

i'll do some good stuff when i can think of some!